


Salvage Whatever's Left after the Fire

by Tsukuyomi_chan



Category: TRICKSTER - 江戸川乱歩「少年探偵団」より | Trickster: From Edogawa Ranpo's "The Boy Detectives Club" (Anime)
Genre: Blood, Kobayashi character study, M/M, Minor Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, kobayashi experiences Feelings, mentioned animal death, seriously though watch ep 16 before reading this, spoilers up to ep 16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 00:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9853259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsukuyomi_chan/pseuds/Tsukuyomi_chan
Summary: "Hanasaki Kensuke.""… A big freaking idiot."Kobayashi closes his eyes and dreams of death.  When he opens them, Hanasaki is there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love Kobayashi's character and wanted to write a thing. But then this got long. It was originally supposed to be posted after episode 16 came out, but I write slow, so now here it is. Hope you all enjoy then.

The lights of the city are nothing but specks compared to how vast the dark sky is above.  They twinkle and dim and brighten to their own rhythm, as if competing with stars in the sky.  Today had been nothing but useless cases and annoying commands from everyone around him.  Kobayashi spends a few more moments looking at the lights, before walking back across the roof to the broken Ferris wheel cabin laying in the middle.  He curls up on the seat, trying to get comfortable under his jacket.  It's cold, but not unbearable.

It almost becomes a tradition.  Kobayashi would close his eyes every night, finally tired of fruitless attempts to get somewhere with losing his life, and wonder if maybe he could peacefully pass in his sleep, and in the morning he would awaken to the sound of a too cheery Hanasaki, yelling something like  "Wake up, sleepy-head!  We have a case to solve!" or something else equally irritating.

That tradition is broken when that Twenty Faces messes with both Hanasaki and Akechi Kogorou with that annoying incident at the mall, and all the sudden Kobayashi is back to sleeping in until whenever he feels like it, or when Inoue comes by to update him about a case.

The extra sleep is welcomed, but when he wakes up for the fifteenth time that month with no one standing over him, giving him a stunningly bright smile and spouting bad jokes by the second, he clicks his tongue.

* * *

_"If you want to die so badly, I'll kill you!"_

 

* * *

Hanasaki was the first person Kobayashi had talked to in over a year.  Up until then, he had spent most of his time either sleeping or searching for food.  It was painful.  Staying out of the sight of other people so that no one would get suspicious, stealing food without getting caught but also eating enough so that trash wouldn't get shoved down his throat by whatever accursed thing was haunting him, spending nights in the cold curled up in abandoned buildings and alleyways.   

He couldn't feel warmth, he couldn't feel full, he couldn't feel happy, he couldn't feel pain, he couldn't feel other humans.  Everything before living on the streets with his accursed ability is a blur, and his memory is nothing but a few messy images that he doesn't want to focus on.  He wasn't sure he was even human. 

He’s fine with that.  He hates humans.

(He hates how they irritatingly cling to whatever’s around them.  He hates how loud and boisterous about their superiority they are.  He hates how easily they got depressed about little problems, instead of actually trying to anything about them.  He hates how lucky they are, how they could choose to die whenever they wanted and actually die, while he couldn't even do that.  )

But Hanasaki had gone right up to him, talking as if nothing was wrong, following him around and calling him cool, smiling at him as if he was no different from anyone around him.  Kobayashi got dragged into a Boy's Detective Club of all things.  And Hanasaki just kept dragging him around, forcibly involving him in activities of normal people, as if Kobayashi was normal as well.

Hanasaki was the first person to reach out to him, despite his ability.  And because of Hanasaki, now he was in contact with multiple others who barely minded his ability, in comparison to what he himself could do.

Inoue seemed just like the type of adult to hate Kobayashi, despite not even being that old yet.  But Inoue is rational and grounded and his justice doesn't waver, and despite his legs being somewhat useless, he easily makes up and compensates for it.  And Kobayashi realizes that he's beginning to find it as reliable as everyone else does.

Noro seemed almost understandable for Kobayashi, but her personality just didn't fit.  Kobayashi could understand why she would stay inside all the time, not interacting with anyone except through electronics.  But she was loud and nosy and made her presence known even when she was just talking through an owl.  And maybe because she mostly viewed him through lens, she never thought of him as anything more than a sad kid.

Masaharu Katsuda is Inoue’s friend from school, who was on and off depending on whether he was needed for cases.  Kobayashi isn’t blind.  He could see the way he and Inoue looked at each other.  They cared for each other to a point where it seemed ridiculous how the other didn’t realize.  But that didn’t make the man any bit disrespectful to Kobayashi just because he was so focused on Inoue all the time.

He honestly doesn't even know the two science club members at the school that well.  The older eyes him and his ability with interest, but merely as something to have fun with, not some inhumane experiment.  The younger panics easily, and is innocent to the point where it's almost irritating.  But neither of them hold any grudges against him, give him any insults, and always greet him with a smile.

The police lady scares him, honestly.  Police are a scary idea.  Authority and power, two things that work terribly with his ability.  The lady is smart and cunning, but she's caring at the same time.  She actually treats him and the rest of the club members like children, and continually gives them second chances.

Akechi Kogorou is a mystery.  He's an adult, and Kobayashi hates adults.  But he looks at Kobayashi and treats him like he's just as respectable as all the other Club members.  That isn't even a lot of respect, but he trusts Kobayashi for some strange reason, in both his freakish ability and also his own capabilities.  And maybe Kobayashi enjoys having that trust in him just a little.

Sometimes Kobayashi wonders if fate is messing with him.  He never wanted this cursed ability, but it's here with him anyways.  Then he didn't want to get involved with anyone again, but then Hanasaki gets thrown into his life.  He hadn't wanted anyone to get hurt because of his ability, but now Hanasaki was depressed and tired, and the Club was on the edge of disbandment.

(He's tired of people getting hurt because of him, but that's the only thing he can ever do)

Hanasaki continually tried to keep him busy, to distract him from his ability.  He was never scared, never discouraged, never gave up on Kobayashi after anything he did.  He watched the dog die from Kobayashi’s ability, and tirelessly chased after him until he was dragged into the Boy’s Detective Club.  He invited Kobayashi to live with the rest of them at the tower.  Hanasaki threw a birthday party for him, and wished him Happy Birthday along with all the others, as if he and all the rest of them were happy that Kobayashi had been born, so that they could share a moment like this with him. 

Kobayashi wonders if that happy Hanasaki ever existed to begin with.  After that member of his family was hospitalized, and that Twenty Faces convincing him to do stupidly selfish things, all of those barriers around Hanasaki just suddenly broke.  It's irritating.

Hanasaki is a weak human.  Humans are alive, and all living things are frail and fragile and easily broken apart like Hanasaki had been, crying at his knees in front of Twenty Faces and sobbing for Akechi Kogorou to kill him.  He was pleased with himself, then upset, then frustrated, and then wanted to die so no one else got hurt.  Kobayashi hated it.  Seeing something like that in Hanasaki just didn’t fit.  It resembled himself so much that the memory kept playing in Kobayashi’s mind even weeks after, of Hanasaki begging for the same things that Kobayashi always said like a mantra.

He remembers jumping off that balcony after Hanasaki, and had never wished before that he could actually touch another human until then, had never wanted anything so much before in his life until then, when he was desperately reaching forwards to save Hanasaki, to save a life for once instead of hurt it.

Kobayashi remembers tingling resonating through his very being.  The tingling from the very tip of his fingers, where he began bleeding for the first time in forever, and from watching Hanasaki smile like they had all the time in the world, and Kobayashi remembers thinking that maybe if he stuck around, he could finally recall how to feel something.

* * *

 

_"If I'm with him..."_

Kobayashi might finally be able to leave everything behind. 

 

* * *

 The new client is irritating.  He won't stop talking, which seemed to be getting on the nerves of even Inoue and the police lady.  All they had to do was escort the man to his new jail alive, but some people seemed to be set on killing him, and the man seemed to have no problems with that.  And on top of all that, Hanasaki wasn't picking up any of his calls.

But Kobayashi is a member of the Boy's Detective Club now.  And as Inoue was always saying, "we have a reputation to uphold."  So Kobayashi plays the man's game.

"Bird."

Flying freely above him.  "Sky."

"Female."

Noro, the police lady.  "Not male."

"Tomorrow."

More useless time for him.  "Don't care."

"Life."

Not death.  "Don't need it."

"Embrace."

Kobayashi stops.  He can't recall.  He can't recall the last time anyone actually physically touched him, let along embraced him.  But it reminds him of the spare images in his head that he never figured out, and it hurts to think about it but the man is determined to make him think of them.

It gives him a bad feeling.

"I forget."

The man really is creepy.

 

* * *

 

"Gun."

Useless things that couldn't kill him.  "Noisy."

"Detective."

Hanasaki and Akechi making promises to him.  "A way to die."

"Akechi Kogorou."

Sitting at his desk shouting orders.  "Reeks of booze."

"Red."

Blood, blood, always blood.  The images of bloodstains on a room somewhere, a person, himself?  Something completely unknown to him but way too familiar, and he's scared, he doesn't want to know what it is.  It’s splattered everywhere.  "Wall."

"Wall."

Breaking through everything in his path.  "Crashed into."

"Tears."

Tears dripping down Hanasaki's face, shown on every damn screen in the mall.  "Disgusting."

"Hanasaki Kensuke."

Kobayashi thinks of the boy chasing after him.  He thinks of the boy solving mysteries happily.  He thinks of the boy's face broadcasted on every screen with tears in his eyes, clinging to ridiculous things like love.  He thinks of the boy, grinning like limits didn't exist, as he exclaimed how he was going to help Kobayashi finally die, walking up to him and even having fun with his unholy ability.  He thinks of Hanasaki, smiling and telling him next time for sure, next time for sure he'll grant Kobayashi salvation at last.

"A big freaking idiot."  Kobayashi replies. 

 

* * *

 

They continue up the tower, avoiding the people in black, running around corners are throwing traps at them.  The man doesn't show any signs of giving up though, even with his death so close and likely. 

"Family."

A life he couldn't remember.  "A bunch of lies."

"Prison."

Where all the criminals they put away went.  "A pig sty."

"Adults."

Cold eyes, calling him a freak, unaccepting and cruel.  "All garbage." 

"Embrace."

Again?  Kobayashi grits his teeth when images flash again.  A hospital bed, strange liquids flowing somewhere.  "Strings… no, tubes."

"Mother."

The dull throbbing lights above, buzzing constant from the flies everywhere.  "Stinks."

"Father."

A Ferris Wheel?  His Ferris Wheel?  Blood?  A tooth?  His tooth, covered in blood?  He doesn't understand.  He doesn't know, he doesn't know any of it but it's there and he hates this.  He hates this he hates this he hates this he hates this.  He never asked for any of this, he never wanted any of this, but this is what he gets, and he doesn’t understand why.

"It's not unusual for a psychologically unstable child to develop special abilities, but yours are a cut above."

He doesn't care.  He doesn't care what this guy, or what anyone else says.  All he ever wanted was to die so that he could finally be left alone, so that he could finally drift away into nothing where there was no one to be cruel to him anymore.

Humans are cruel creatures.  That’s why he wants to quit being one.

He wouldn’t regret anything if he died.  He has no interest in anyone, in anything, and all he wants is the pain in his head to stop, that’s all he wants and dying would solve that and it would be better for everyone then if that happened.

(But Hanasaki’s still frowning, still occasionally turning away and crying when no one’s looking like an idiot, and Kobayashi might, just maybe, miss seeing that smile of his every morning)

 

* * *

 

They reach the top, with the red staircase leading up to the statue where he first met Hanasaki.  It feels like something in his head is going to burst.  It’s frustrating.  Lately, every single little thing’s been frustrating.  Inoue keeps secrets and isn’t able to keep anything together.  Noro doesn’t know a single thing about what’s happening.  The three at the school have little to no interest or knowledge in what’s going on.  Akechi Kogorou left, to somewhere no one knows.

He doesn’t recognize this feeling, but he thinks it might be longing.

The statue looks no different.  The flowers from his last visit a week ago are still here.  It’s annoying how this scenery stayed the exact same, when nothing else would.  No one else would mourn the death of the dog except for him, and no one would ever learn of its existence.  It would completely fade out of this world once him and Hanasaki were dead, the only two who had known about it.  The dead wouldn’t change, not nearly as much as the living do. 

Kobayashi feels strangely exposed, standing here with Inoue, the police lady, and the creepy man who kept seeing through who he was better than he himself could.  It makes him uncomfortable.

He calls Hanasaki again. 

No one answers.

He clicks his tongue.  "Don't ignore me..."

He's a child.  He has a tiny and frail weak body, and having no memories just makes him even younger mentally.  And the police lady is always reminding them to be careful, even him, because despite his immortal ability, he still has the mind of a child, and children and stupid and impulsive and grow ridiculous desires and easy attachments to whatever is in their reach.

And Hanasaki had been there at every twist and turn, happily trying to reach him as well.

And Kobayashi finally puts it together, staring at the statue marking their first meeting dumbfounded, as if the world had just crashed into him. 

He wants Hanasaki.

He wants Hanasaki to stay by him more, lead him around on cases, eat food together, show him different places and tricks that he’s picked up, do anything.  And not just that.  He wants to be able to walk down crowded streets, take the train, maybe even go to school with him.  He wants to try the games in Noro’s room together.  He wants to both lead around and get led around by Inoue.  He wants Akechi Kogorou to pat his head and tell him good job like he tells the others.

He wants to embrace Hanasaki, and wants the boy to embrace back.  He wants to hug the other boy, wipe away those almost ridiculously constant tears, and finally get the boy to smile again.  He wants to be able to curl up by the boy’s side and just finally rest peacefully together.  He wants to be able to reach his hand out to Hanasaki, and for the other to be able to grab it back and grin, and to pull each other forwards together.

He wants to be able to touch Hanasaki.

Kobayashi has never before detested his ability for robbing him of the warmth of other humans.  He looks up at the statue in the room, and the creepy man smiles out of the corner of his eye.

The reinforcements of the people in black show up.  Kobayashi doesn’t understand well what the man did, or his bizarre reasons behind it, but Kobayashi wants to hang onto the Boys Detective Club as much as any of the other members did.

He doesn’t want to lose this.

He barely understands humans, but he doesn’t think any of the others want to lose this either.

And yet Hanasaki isn’t even here.

_"He’s acting weird.  What should I do?"_

_“What do you want to do about him?”_

_“I… want… to do something for him.”_

_He still remembers the laughter on the other end of the phone call, as if he was a child giving his opinion to problems way out of his scope.  "Then just do to him what he did to you."_

He really did hate adults.  They all spoke in riddles.  They all looked at his ability and began calling him a monster, a freak, something that they couldn't understand and therefore rejected.  But Akechi Kogorou had trusted him to realize the solution to this himself.  And Kobayashi now realizes that the answer had been in front of him the whole time.

 He wasn’t about to let go.

 The people attacking them have a bomb.  His ability wouldn’t be able to protect the others from a bomb.  But he wasn’t about to let anyone get hurt right now.  Hanasaki would be sad if anyone got hurt, and he was always diving right in to help others.  And maybe Kobayashi’s starting to understand the sentiment.

The detonater gets knocked out of the lady’s hand, but instead of Hanasaki it’s Akechi Kogorou who’s saving the day.  They deliver the creepy man into the helicopter safely as requested, and Kobayashi wonders if it’s a sense of pride that’s filling his chest as he watches the helicopter fly away. 

And while sitting at the bottom of the staircase far away from the others, listening to the briefing on how the conclusion to the case went, Hanasaki finally runs into the room.

About time.

"Kobayashi… I'm sorry I ignored all your calls…"

Hanasaki really was an idiot.  "You came, didn't you?"  Kobayashi says.  "So you didn't ignore them."

 He could learn.  He could learn about himself and his past slowly, and he could learn more about what kind of person Hanasaki actually was.  He could learn how to feel human again, how to interact with others again, and even how to smile again.  They could both learn together.  Step by step.

 

* * *

 

This sucks.

There's a tingling in his gut, right to the side of his stomach is burning, and a weird thick liquid is spilling past his fingers where he grabs at it, dripping onto the floor in ominous splats.  It's hot and it’s burning, but Kobayashi hasn't felt that feeling in years.

His side hurts.  He screams.

This really sucks.  He can barely breathe.  His vision's blurry and everyone else's voices are muffled.  His head feels heavy and dizzy, like he's about to faint, and he starts to try and cough to breathe, but every choking noise just makes his side hurt more, and it's so frustrating he can barely think.  This sucks, it all sucks, and everything feels so heavy he just wants to collapse and sleep.

But now would be a terrible time to fall asleep.  If he falls asleep, he won't be able to tell Hanasaki how much of an idiot he is.  He needs to tell Hanasaki to pick up calls faster next time, and to show up on time if there's a case, and ask if they could still get hamburgers after this.  He needs to tell Hanasaki that it's fine, they'd hold off on trying to grant Kobayashi's wish for a while, until Kobayashi could get Hanasaki smiling like he used to. 

But words don't reach his mouth, and he realizes Hanasaki has rubbed off on him more than he ever expected, because he's expecting and hoping for a tomorrow to come now.  Kobayashi lets himself fall, with no more strength left in him, and thinks about tomorrow.

When he opens his eyes, he hopes Hanasaki will be there.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm maybe 30% sorry for writing this.
> 
> Kobayashi deserves happiness.


End file.
